If Keir Starmer Were a Charity Thrift Shop

Part 2 of If Joe Biden Were a Swimming Pool

Photo by Prudence Earl on Unsplash

If Keir Starmer were a charity thrift store,
all donations would be gratefully accepted
from the filthy rich who, for their generosity, 
would receive equally generous political favours.
All items would be priced for the working poor,
the unemployed, the disabled, the elderly,
the needy to afford, but only after he picked out 
all the good stuff and kept it for himself.

If Boris Johnson were an English breakfast,
the eggs would be so overcooked and rubbery,
the bacon so burnt on both sides,
the beans and tomatoes so salty and runny,
and the toast so cold and coated in lard,
that you couldn’t even get your dog to eat it.

If Emmanuel Macron were a weather report,
every day would be warm, sunny and beautiful
with only the occasional short disturbance or 
or passing storm brought on by a low pressure system
from the east, and though we'd be kept
up-to-date on a daily, maybe even hourly basis,
no one would ever know for sure
which way the wind is blowing.

If Olaf Scholz were a jellyfish—
but wait, he has no backbone!
If Olaf Scholz were a doormat—
but wait, the USA can wipe its feet
on him any time it wants!
If Olaf Scholz were a pretzel—
but wait, like any good German,
he can be bent and twisted into any shape
that pleases Washington and Tel Aviv.

If Jens Stoltenberg were a broom,
it’d have a long, straight, wooden handle
and stiff wire or plastic bristles, but
because using it to sweep up dirt and dust 
would create only bigger, nastier messes, 
you could give it instead to witches 
like Ursula von der Leyen, Annalena Baerbock 
and Georgia Meloni to ride.

If Volodymyr Zelensky were a rubber duck,
he could be made to swim and float
and dive under the suds with his tail sticking
out of the water, but when squeezed,
he’d only squeak, not quack like a real duck 
because he’s just a funny little toy 
Joey plays with in the bathtub and throws
into a corner after he’s had his bubble bath.

If Israel were a children’s birthday party,
there’d be no hot dogs, no ice cream,
no lemonade, no clowns, no presents,
and no fun games, only a birthday cake
shaped like an F-16 jet or M1A2 Abrams tank,
and before the Birthday Boy or Birthday Girl
blew out the candles, the cake would explode 
and no child would live to see or walk again,
or celebrate another birthday.

If the ICC were a hospital Emergency Room,
there’d be a long, long line of victims of violence
leading outside the door and around the block,
and due to a permanent shortage of medical staff,
painkillers, blood transfusions and live-saving supplies,
most patients, especially the black and brown ones,
would lie screaming and bleeding to death
in the waiting room, in the hallway, on the sidewalks
before anyone so much as called their names.

(Please feel free to add your own verses in the comments. Can anyone think of who or what might be a board game or a fast food chain?)  

So far everything I've published can be read, commented on and subscribed to for free, and will remain free going forward. This does not mean, of course, that I wouldn't appreciate a small gesture of support in the form of a "tip" that I will to good use!